Recovering

Though I feel i am recovering well.. There are times i feel moody, not sad. But moody

Found the Learn And Understand Astrology set in new house (originally found it in old house probably back in April 2022), plan was to keep it for her, then give her as I know she is interested in Tarot cards so thought maybe she might like this

It just wrenches my heart when i saw the Astrology set, as it reminded me of her and me; us. whatsapp her and asked her if she wants it anyway, she said no, not hurt from that.

crazy that in life u can be doing everything right, u followed people who are of high regards and prominence, followed the law, practices, planned and all. willing to compromise a lot and sacrifice a lot, willing to go for genital multilation, willing to change my dietry habit for life, willing to practise the religion.. but things just failed in a very unfair manner..

my relationship failed because of someone who i didnt see "coming", treated very biased by him, he doesn't know me, i dont know him too. Never met before. and he still made a ridiculous decision by ending our relationship. he doesnt know me as a person and how i treat his niece, he doesnt know what i have learnt about the religion; my progress. he knows nothing. and he still made this ridiculous decision.

worse still was when my partner refused to let me speak to her uncle. I planned out my words and how i am going to handle this, she refused adamantly time and time again. It really hurts to see my own partner let this relationship slipped by not allowing me to speak to her uncle (yes, i know it probably wouldnt have worked out, but at least we truly know we tried, we have closure). I just feel i love her way more than she loved me. She obviously doesnt love me enough to trust me on this, to let me speak to her uncle, which is very sad, and also very very disappointing. yes i didnt mean she doesnt love me, i said she doesnt love me enough

but i am recovering well, and i know damn well i will look back at this and think how foolish i am to be this hurt by it. at least i know i did everything right, i treated her very well, i did all the small things that makes the relationship sweet, i went the extra mile for her in everything. everything i did, i did it for her. i accepted her flaws and all, but i guess she doesnt love me that much to let me speak to her uncle.

but of course i do give her credit, she tried and tried to change her uncle's mind. i give her that, kudos. but the last time she told me she was gonna try a last time, she added, if we found potential partners, we go for it. this was very hurting and confusing. Even those people who i poured my heart out to, told me they are confused. WHY would she say that right? one of my friend reacted by saying "oh.. sounds like she has one foot out of the door already", i guess shes right..

its like, she's still trying to save us; our relationship but at the same time, she wants out. very hurting.

right now.. my plan i guess is to stop contacting each other until like our feelings totally die out for each other.. then perhaps i might suggest to her to meet up and talk openly on what our flaws/toxic behaviours were when we were together.. then we improve ourselves from there.. I try to see the good in bad things, one of the good thing is perhaps we can learn what are our flaws, then we change from there, it would surely help us in our future relationship..

she told me to give her a month's time (a break) then i contact her after that, I did as told. I just simply wished her Selamat Hari Raya Haji. She said thanks and enjoy the holidays, that was it. it was so short. she clearly doesnt want to talk. despite i didnt contact her for a month. but honestly, me too. I kinda didnt wanna talk. I just feel we have come so far (a month of not talking to each other) already. We used to talk literally every. single. day. 1,358 days. I feel we have come so far of not talking to one another, perhaps its better to stay this way till our feelings die out.

oh yea and i asked her today if she wanted the Astrology set too. conversation ended there, she didnt reply after that. Guess she doesnt want to talk too. i know it sounds ironic now, that i kinda want her reply but i also dont wanna talk.

it was a very bittersweet relationship we had, very painful ending as both partners had to let this go but we still love each other, we ended it mutually. no doubt it was a horrible few months but the joy and the special moments we had are truly sweet and incredible, the times we laughed and cried together, the times we archieved certain goals, the dates and birthdays we celebrated, the gifts we bought each other, the jokes we spoke of everyday, the meals we had, the times we truly enjoyed each other's company, the times we held hands, hugged, kissed.

Now i am crying..

a close friend of mine told me that, its crazy, its crazy how people can be so heartless, we can be from lovers to total strangers, like what we did/shared together, just gets erased.. its crazy.. i guess thats life.. penning these thoughts down are helping me..

its also crazy to me that, honestly, she is the more clingy and needy partner, the more fragile partner in this relationship but she just turned stone cold, like holding up very well, i am not saying like this relationship didnt mean anything to her but just emphasising on how she can turn 180 degrees on this.. but i guess thats good, more or less she is doing well, coping well..

I dont wish her malice, i wish her well, i wanna see her do well in life, get pass her struggles, be in a good relationship with a good guy, have kids, have a home etc.. I am sure she does the same too..