welp

welp.. I guess I got what i wished for.. just found out she's attached, honestly i am having mixed feelings but its more to 80% relief and 20% sadness.. well, like they said..

"if you truly love her, u will let her go"

she's free now and i guess this finally/really put things to an end for us, I am happy for her, I wish her and him all the best

I want to see her flourish, get married and have kids, have a great love life as well as other aspect in life,

this might be my last post in this blog..

thank you for everything, W.

Recovering

Though I feel i am recovering well.. There are times i feel moody, not sad. But moody

Found the Learn And Understand Astrology set in new house (originally found it in old house probably back in April 2022), plan was to keep it for her, then give her as I know she is interested in Tarot cards so thought maybe she might like this

It just wrenches my heart when i saw the Astrology set, as it reminded me of her and me; us. whatsapp her and asked her if she wants it anyway, she said no, not hurt from that.

crazy that in life u can be doing everything right, u followed people who are of high regards and prominence, followed the law, practices, planned and all. willing to compromise a lot and sacrifice a lot, willing to go for genital multilation, willing to change my dietry habit for life, willing to practise the religion.. but things just failed in a very unfair manner..

my relationship failed because of someone who i didnt see "coming", treated very biased by him, he doesn't know me, i dont know him too. Never met before. and he still made a ridiculous decision by ending our relationship. he doesnt know me as a person and how i treat his niece, he doesnt know what i have learnt about the religion; my progress. he knows nothing. and he still made this ridiculous decision.

worse still was when my partner refused to let me speak to her uncle. I planned out my words and how i am going to handle this, she refused adamantly time and time again. It really hurts to see my own partner let this relationship slipped by not allowing me to speak to her uncle (yes, i know it probably wouldnt have worked out, but at least we truly know we tried, we have closure). I just feel i love her way more than she loved me. She obviously doesnt love me enough to trust me on this, to let me speak to her uncle, which is very sad, and also very very disappointing. yes i didnt mean she doesnt love me, i said she doesnt love me enough

but i am recovering well, and i know damn well i will look back at this and think how foolish i am to be this hurt by it. at least i know i did everything right, i treated her very well, i did all the small things that makes the relationship sweet, i went the extra mile for her in everything. everything i did, i did it for her. i accepted her flaws and all, but i guess she doesnt love me that much to let me speak to her uncle.

but of course i do give her credit, she tried and tried to change her uncle's mind. i give her that, kudos. but the last time she told me she was gonna try a last time, she added, if we found potential partners, we go for it. this was very hurting and confusing. Even those people who i poured my heart out to, told me they are confused. WHY would she say that right? one of my friend reacted by saying "oh.. sounds like she has one foot out of the door already", i guess shes right..

its like, she's still trying to save us; our relationship but at the same time, she wants out. very hurting.

right now.. my plan i guess is to stop contacting each other until like our feelings totally die out for each other.. then perhaps i might suggest to her to meet up and talk openly on what our flaws/toxic behaviours were when we were together.. then we improve ourselves from there.. I try to see the good in bad things, one of the good thing is perhaps we can learn what are our flaws, then we change from there, it would surely help us in our future relationship..

she told me to give her a month's time (a break) then i contact her after that, I did as told. I just simply wished her Selamat Hari Raya Haji. She said thanks and enjoy the holidays, that was it. it was so short. she clearly doesnt want to talk. despite i didnt contact her for a month. but honestly, me too. I kinda didnt wanna talk. I just feel we have come so far (a month of not talking to each other) already. We used to talk literally every. single. day. 1,358 days. I feel we have come so far of not talking to one another, perhaps its better to stay this way till our feelings die out.

oh yea and i asked her today if she wanted the Astrology set too. conversation ended there, she didnt reply after that. Guess she doesnt want to talk too. i know it sounds ironic now, that i kinda want her reply but i also dont wanna talk.

it was a very bittersweet relationship we had, very painful ending as both partners had to let this go but we still love each other, we ended it mutually. no doubt it was a horrible few months but the joy and the special moments we had are truly sweet and incredible, the times we laughed and cried together, the times we archieved certain goals, the dates and birthdays we celebrated, the gifts we bought each other, the jokes we spoke of everyday, the meals we had, the times we truly enjoyed each other's company, the times we held hands, hugged, kissed.

Now i am crying..

a close friend of mine told me that, its crazy, its crazy how people can be so heartless, we can be from lovers to total strangers, like what we did/shared together, just gets erased.. its crazy.. i guess thats life.. penning these thoughts down are helping me..

its also crazy to me that, honestly, she is the more clingy and needy partner, the more fragile partner in this relationship but she just turned stone cold, like holding up very well, i am not saying like this relationship didnt mean anything to her but just emphasising on how she can turn 180 degrees on this.. but i guess thats good, more or less she is doing well, coping well..

I dont wish her malice, i wish her well, i wanna see her do well in life, get pass her struggles, be in a good relationship with a good guy, have kids, have a home etc.. I am sure she does the same too..

Comes and goes

the feeling comes and goes.. i came across a phrase online something about

"moving on is not a one time thing but an everyday thing.."

its true.. some days i feel great then feel like crap.. some days I feel like crap then seemed to forgot all about it..

she removed me from her IG close friends and private her blogspot.. she really seemed to hold up so well.. its crazy, she seemed very emotional and all but seemed so strong.. Good for her I guess

Moving on

Entered the Telegram app today and saw that she has changed her profile picture from us to her selfie as well as removing our couple pictures..

guess she is really moving on, kinda glad but at the same time kinda sad but i guess its good

I got sad after accessing Telegram and coming across the above, i think i am sad because to me; Telegram is like a "special" app for me as i only use it to chat with her everyday, then some feelings are attached to that thought, and seeing her profile pic being changed just kinda makes me sad

and before these, i always access Telegram and just see if she changed her profile pic, this time it happened

and i have been checking a lot on her fb profile, seeing her status, its "single" now. but also like the above, hope she gets attached then i would feel glad but sad at the same time

but i really hope she finds a good guy :)

edit: i changed and removed our Telegram couple pics too.. I feel she has moved on and so should i.. though I said I planned to leave our first ever couple pic as my profile pic in Telegram.. think that was what I was feeling at that time.. I was feeling hope.. but in denial too.. now its really time to move on but it feels so painful..

Tough past few days/weeks

Last few days/weeks was very tough

Had to return to work on 24th May right after a break up the night before

But through out all these tandrums or fits I threw.. guess who tolerated them.. My parents.. I swear to God, my parents are the best.. My sister did check up on how I was feeling, my sister is also the best!

I really cant stop thanking them and forever cant repay them for how endlessly nice they are to me..

Anyway I am recovering well I guess (at days i would wake up feeling sad then feeling happy after that, at days I would feel the opposite).. She told me to stop messaging her for a month on 8th June 2022, around evening time, i said okie.. bye bye.. She did not reply that message..

But the night itself around 1030pm, she whatsapp me saying "goodnight Malcolm, rest well, don't worry about me :)", I did not see that message as I slept around 10pm..

I woke up in the morning and I saw that message from her, feeling perplexed as I thought she didnt want me to message her but she message me, I just reacted to her message with a thumbs up..

As of now, life has been messy, but thank god work is more or less okie, my family and me are adjusting well to this new place we moved in, still unpacking here and there, planning to sell some stuff on Carousell.. But every time i see the pool table in the living room, my heart sinks a little, I remember telling her I plan to sell the pool table before moving house months ago, she said "huh why sell? next time can move into our new house then we can play" she said with such enthusiasm and happiness.. well, our future as a couple tgt is gone..

I am back (again)

Hey I found my back my blog after a long time..

Fast forward from Dec 2010, I have (not in sequence):

-Not only completed NS but I have finished my reservist (finished officially on 23rd Feb 2022)!

-I have entered into adult life and started working (after NS I worked at ST Synergy for a year before joining SP and have never looked back since)

-Picked up running as a hobby!

Anyway.. I was in a r.s from 31st Aug 2018 till 23rd May 2022.. It was my longest and most passionate r.s ever.

She was certainly special (she's smart, cute, manje, sweet, etc) but we knew we are having a huge hurdle in the r.s (I am a non-muslim and she is a muslim).. we did occasionally talk about our future in the religious aspect but it wasn't much (I talked about wanting to convert to Islam). Fast forward from 31st Aug 2018 to around 3rd week of March 2022 i think, she brought up the topic of her brother and uncle adamantly wanting me to Sunat (circumcision). I was surprised but at the same time, kinda know that I have to do it. It took me a week to change my mind, I decided I am ok to do a circumcision. I told her the week after, she said ok, then i asked if her uncle have any other demands, which i then apologised and say if her uncle have any other expectations, she said yes. I was shocked. She said I have to learn and recite a couple of verses form the Quran. At the same time, the most heavy news I heard for this r.s is that the uncle feels i am insincere in this r.s he feels i should have converted 1 or 2 years into the r.s. This was devastating news.

It also took me a week to change my mind, I learnt the Ayatul Kursi and was planning to learn more. And the next week after (on the 2nd April, we went out on our usual date), we were "defeated" in our minds, we feel we cannot overcome this hurdle (my conversion and Sunat, along with the other stuff to adapt and practise and not only the things on my end, she needs her relatives to accept me as a convert) we broke down and cried at some stone benches at Tanjong Pagar, I gave up, my mind was defeated, i told her "I think we are done.. yes, we are done". She pleaded with the most heart breaking "no..." ever.. She promised she will try to convince her uncle that I am sincere in this r.s. I said ok, to be honest i might have high hopes for myself.

Weeks past and we only met for dinner, unlike our usual dates where we would meet at near noon then go enjoy ourselves for lunch and hanging out at cafes then have dinner (this is due to her fasting). And i forgot to mention it was near the last week of Nov 2021 where me and my family received news that our application for wanting to move into another house, was successful. My mom wanted to downgrade the house from a big one to a small one (more manageable to maintain). So anyway, me and gf met lesser and lesser as i was busy with helping to move the house (truck loads of moving stuff). She also said she is picking up musical programs to do on Saturdays so she cant meet on our usual Saturdates, she also mentioned her work schedule is bad, she cant have lunch, and her mom is now returning to work at May 2022, so gf would meet her mom for dinner at times, so me and gf cannot meet much for dinner after work.

I immediately felt something was amissed, so i asked her if there is something i should know, she said no. weeks past and I elaborated if there is something i should know and apologised in advanced if there is indeed nothing going on (basically accusing her if there is nothing going on). She confessed, saying that her uncle didnt accept the idea of me as a family member (I was forced out of the r.s due to religion). I was very heart broken as i felt i was doing enough to be a family member, i even wanted to do more. but it was to no avail.

I was heart broken again, she said she dont see this (this r.s) going anywhere, and elaborated on stuff, I understood, I asked her if she wants to end this via Telegram or likek face to face (I felt face to face would have been most sincere), she said she cant do face to face so we ended it on Telegram, I cried my heart out and couldnt sleep much that night. same went for her. Our relationship ended on 23rd May 2022, 1,358 days in total.

We went to work as per usual the next day, and during the day, we met at the usual spot where we used to meet to talk at work, she hugged me and cried plenty, I held up a brave front and did not cry, she said, I was holding up so well. But deep in my heart I was torn to shreds. we went back to work.

A week later we had dinner at AMK Hub, i sent her home as normal, she asked me if i wanted to see her mom. I said yes. The whole vibe and our swelled up eyes make things very obviously and her mom came to the gate (I was standing outside with her), her mom probably felt very bad for me and hugged me, I cried my lungs out. She said "Auntie sayang you" repeatedly while i cried and cried. gf stood at the side and cried too. we 3 did a group hug. I then went into her house and sat for awhile.

Her mom showed me photos of her when she was dating a chinese guy, it was the same ending as me and gf's. her mom and that chinese guy's r.s did not work out. while talking to her mom, gf held my hand. It was the last time we held hands. Then i said i was gonna make a move (going home), i stood at the gate for what seems to be the longest time, and i walked off. That was the last time i walked off that coridoor.

After that she messaged me saying that not to ignore her and forget her, she also said she promised to make things work (to try and convince her uncle). I said ok and i thanked her as well as assuring her that i will never ignore and forget her.

the next few days was very rough, we dicussed about her promising to make things work but at the same time, she said if we have potential partners, we should go for it. I was disheartened as this would contradict what she said earlier. it doesnt make sense for her to promise to make things work for US, then added if we have potential partners coming, then we go with them instead. I asked if this (going with potential partner plan) can be on hold, she asked on hold for how long, this disheartened me too (basically this shows she wanna move on already). She added she can wait for maybe a month or 2. I then used a more firm tone on her to ensure things would be clearer as she also didnt wanted me to have a talk with her uncle personally (I really do feel this have a higher chance of working things out) but she flat out refused many times. many things are uncleared at the time, at times when i asked her about serious situations for this r.s she would froze and just keep quiet.

days led to other days where she would say the same thing, she promised to work things out but at the same time if we have potential partners, we go for it. I couldn't take it anymore. I sent her a barrage of messages saying things like she is a little in denial for wanting a Chinese partner but at the same time, ignoring the importants things that come with the r.s (the non muslim have to convert and adapt and the muslim's family have to accept the convert) and bombarded her with messages also saying that I feel she didnt doing much on her end to make things work, also chimed in on me and my family member's talk about this break up and their opinions.

I indicated to her that its ok to send short replies and she said replies such as "okay", "sure". Fair enough, I continued with saying stuff like thanking her for the happy moments but she didnt read my messages.

I am not sure what the days will bring.. but i am heart broken now

BACK

I am back! Hmmm, will blog if I am free! Maybe tommorrow